4:38 pm - 02-26-06
come visit me.
yeah.
i dont really write here anymore. i thought i could come back and write like crazy, but i just dont feel it anymore.
i do more on my myspace than anything. come visit me here.
take care.
10:48 pm - 01-24-06
rant
I really wonder sometimes how I keep sane. I truly wonder sometimes.
Been working alot the past few days... I promised myself I would be in bed by 9pm tonight, but sadly, as you can see - that isnt happening.
And now Im all worked up over bullshit and I can bet you anything I wont be falling asleep anytime soon, even if I go to bed this very minute.
Woke up this morning, got online before I left for work to check email and myspace, like I always do... myspace is my newest obsession, as I think it is everyones.
But anyways, I see Ive got a new message and new friend request... click on the friend request first and see a message from some girl whos photo I dont recognize. I click on her profile and lo and behold... its my ex-roomate, Cindy. Dunno if anyone remembers... back when Enrique and I first got together and lived together, we lived with our friends Cindy and Antonio, who are married.
Well Cindy and Antonio took their income tax money last year and moved to Miami, FL. Antonio is an aspiring rapper, and thought he could 'make it big' if he was just in the right area. (No, he still hasnt made it big. Heh. Maybe because Im the whitest white girl there is and I can rap in spanish better than he can. Heh.)
Anyways... yeah - havent heard from them since April of last year, when they moved down there. They literally took the $4,000 bucks they got back from income tax, loaded their car with clothes and their babys stuff, and took off. It took guts, I gotta give them that, and oh how I wish I could do something like that. (I might, someday, just to get away from all this bullshit.)
Well, Cindy found me on myspace and sent me a message and requested to be added to my friends. It shocked the hell out of me. She was the LAST person in the world I expected to hear from. But its really odd, today is her birthday and just yesterday I was thinking about her and wondering where she is and what she is up to.
Another reason I always wondered where she was is becuase I really wanted to get in touch with her... and basically chew her the fuck out.
See, I found out just a few months ago that Cindy knew the WHOLE FUCKING TIME about my sister and Enrique. She knew that they were messing around behind my back, Nikki told her.
So yeah, nights that I would get so upset with both of them, or when I would confront them about their 'close' friendship, or when I would just fucking breakdown because I didnt know what to do anymore... I would go running to her. I thought she cared about me, I thought she understood.
But she fucking sat there that whole fucking time, watching me cry, watching me beat myself up, watching me fucking hurt... over and over and over, and SHE FUCKING KNEW. I just cant even explain to you how much that pisses me off, how much it hurts... I thought she was a friend... boy, did I think wrong. Way wrong.
My sisters friends Ashley, Michael and Sam also knew. They too, watched me cry, cry, cry over Enrique. They would come over and stay at our house while Enrique was in Mexico and I wouldnt want to go anywhere in hopes that he might call, I didnt want to miss his call.
For the 3 fucking months he was in Mexico, I sat at home, by the phone, hoping to hear from him. And for what???? He was fucking my sister before he left, and he would fuck her when he came back. And they knew. And sat there. And watched me go into a depression I still havent come out of.
How could they??? How can you sit by and watch someone you 'love' and 'care' about, someone you consider a 'friend'.... hurt the way I hurt. Cry the way I cried over him, missing him, dreaming about him, planning our fucking wedding. Planning that I wanted to get pregnant as soon as he got home, planning on being with him forever and always...
I dont know... I just really dont. I have never been so hurt in my life, like I was hurt by all this bullshit. The people that I loved the MOST in this world... they fucked me over a-royally.
My sister chose a piece of shit, a piece of ass... some dick... over me.
My friends... chose a lying, backstabbing bitch, over a friendship with me. Me that did anything and everything for them. No matter what it was, I was there for every single one of them. All the time.
I still have all this anger and hate inside me... everytime I see my sister, I just want to beat her senseless. Everytime Enrique comes over and wants to talk, or hookup, or spend time with me... I just want to kick him in the face, over and over and over.
Nikki asked me tonight if I was going to her sonogram on Thursday.... well, gee, let me think about it. Sure, yeah, Ill go -- and watch you cry and be happy, and find out what youre having, the child youre having with the man I love. Sure, sign me up! Ill be there! I cant believe that fucking bitch had the audacity to even fucking ask me...
She robbed me of everything that made me happy. My fiancee, the man I loved, the person I was ready to marry... the guy that made me feel things I hadnt felt in so long... she took my dreams for my future, my dreams of making him a father, everything. She took it all from me, ripped it away and then stomped all over it.
And for what? Is she happy? No, she bitches about him constantly. Every time I see her, she is bitching about him, making comments about other guys, how she would like to fuck her ex-boyfriend just one more time, how she doesnt want this baby, she doesnt want to be with him anymore, she doesnt love him, never did.
Then what the hell were you doing... just answer me that... what the hell, what the FUCK, were you doing? Playing house, little girl?
Get a fucking Polly Pocket for that shit, bitch. Drag out your fucking Barbie Dreamhouse or some shit. But leave my fucking life alone.
