8:27 pm - 01-14-06
Review of The Lissy.
Well, its been a long time since Ive written a LOOOOONG entry, so lets see what I can come up with. Lots of my friends have been asking me where Ive been, what Ive been up to in the past 2 years and how I am. Well, here we go, folks.... here is a recap.
Be warned, this is horribly LONG.
2-23-2004
My best friend, Amanda, passed away from cancer. We buried her on 2-28-2004, her fiancee, my other best friend's, birthday. I am still not the same, and miss her greatly.
4-5-2004
Enrique asked me to marry him -- of course, I said YES!!! Happiest moment of my life.
9-1-2004
Found out my friend Mandy was pregnant!!! Yay!!! She already has one little boy, Draiden, hes just turned 3. I was SO happy to find out she was expecting another, her kids are the WORLD to me. Im actually their godmother and spend as much time with them as I possibly can.
10-5-2004
Enrique and I had been engaged 6 months, and werent doing so great. Little did I know things would get much worse.
10-17-2004
Enrique and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary... amazingly, even though our relationship was going to crap, he went and got me this HUGE boquet, balloons, a card and a teddy bear. I thought that maybe, just maybe we were going to be okay.
11-12-2004
Enrique and I called it quits... all for about 2 days. I told him that I couldnt stand things the way they were anymore and that I wanted OUT. It really hit him hard, and he broke down and told me that he would straighten his act. We got back together on 11-14. Things were great again.
11-24-2004
One again, things are crap with Enrique and I. I decide to leave him and move out on my own. I call my old landlords and decide to move into an apartment they have open. I dont tell him any of this.
12-4-2004
Enrique announces that he is going down to Mexico to see his family. In 2 days. We have a huge talk about our relationship and I tell him of my plans to move out. We almost broke up... but ended up deciding to stay together and that he wanted me to wait for him. He said we would get married as soon as he got back and things would be better. I thought maybe time apart would do us some good. I agree to wait for him. He said he would be back in 6 months at most.
12-13-2004
Mandy had her sonogram. ITS A GIRL!!! Yay!!! I was there with her, and I bawled my eyes out! One of the most amazing things I have ever seen.
12-25-2004
Christmas came, Christmas went. I was spending the holidays alone, once again.
12-26-2004
Found a new place, and began moving. My sister and I packed and moved a 3 bedroom apartment, EVERYTHING, down 3 flights of stairs, across town, and into a 2 bedroom small trailer, in 2 days. Talk about STRESS!!! But it went great, and the new place is much nicer, quieter, 2 minutes from my work and feels like home.
12-31-2004
I rang in the New Year 2005 sitting by myself in my living room, watching TV and missing Enrique. Wondering when (and if) he would come home. And if things would be different.
2-23-2005
Amanda had been gone 1 year. This was a really emotional day for me.
2-26-2005
Enrique came home. He is 40 lbs. thinner, tanned, quiet and shy. We are both different. He is a stanger to me.
3-10-2005
I decide, once again, that Enrique and I are done. He treats me like shit, is a constant asshole, hasnt spent ANY time with me since he came home, we are strangers living under the same roof. I hate him.
3-13-2005
My Grampa has a massive stroke. Thus begins another downward spiral with his health. I am terrified of losing him.
3-22-2005
Enrique starts a new job, and we never see each other anymore. He works nights, I work days. I get very used to being alone again.
4-5-2005
We have been engaged one year. We are not speaking at this point.
4-12-2005
My Grampa passed away. He was 85 years old. His health had been deterioating for some time. Just like with my Gramma's death, I wasnt there. I should have been there, but I wasnt. I had been sick (stress), and my mom sent me home so I could sleep. I didnt even get to say goodbye.
4-14-2005
We bury my Grampa next to my Gramma. They are finally together once again. This thought keeps me from breaking down.
4-25-2005
The worst day of my life. I walk in on my fiancee, Enrique, and my sister, Nikki, having sex. This is the moment all this bullshit has been building up to. I beat the fuck out of them both, threw my ring at Enrique, gave them both a piece of my mind, kick them out of my house, and cry non stop for the next few months. In one fell swoop, I lose my 2 best friends -- my fiancee and my baby sister. They have betrayed me in the worst possible way.
4-26-2005
My mom and I pack up Nikki and Enrique's shit and take it to storage. Quote from my journal: "It took us maybe 2 hours. I told Mom that its so odd that we could take care of their lives in an afternoon. Pack it up and store it away like it almost wasnt. Like they are dead. One minute they are here and the next they arent. That sounds really, really stupid, but its how I feel. They are dead to me."
Nikki calls my mom later that night and tells my mom that they are "together", staying at Motel 6 until they can go look at an apartment together, and that they bought a car together that day. She wanted to come here and get her stuff, but mom told her it was in storage. Nikki doesnt say or ask anything about me.
Quote from my journal: "I still really dont understand all of this. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I feel so stupid and embarassed. I feel foolish."
4-27-2005
My wonderful bitch ass whore sister shows up at my Moms wearing my engagement ring. She really mustlike sloppy seconds. Hoe.
Quote from my journal: "I guess the thing that still hurts the most is that they must have been having a whole relationship behind my back. And if he was treating her the way he treated me in the beginning... it would have been amazing for her. Enrique treated me really good when we were first together. Thats the part of him I have been trying to recapture all this time. Look at how I have failed.
I wish I just knew why. WHY?!?! Why didnt they just tell me? Why him? Why HER? Why did he still tell me he loved me every single day? Why did he come back home from Mexico to me??? Why was he so mad when I told him I didnt want to be together anymore? Why would she always listen to me cry, cry, cry... and be so upset about him and I's relationship, and watch me go into this fucking depression Im in now, when she KNEW, she fucking knew, that bitch knew.
Just why all around? Why would they do this to me?
What the fuck... have I done that is this horrible to deserve what they have done to me."
4-28-2005
Quote from my journal: "This morning I was thinking about all the times that Nikki called me, or Enrique, or anyone for that matter, a "pussy". She is always calling everyone a pussy, saying they have nothing to be scared of. It just hit me today that she is the biggest pussy of them all. You know? She didnt have the guts to tell me what was going on. She was too fucking scared. And she used to call ME a pussy???
And him. You chicken shit motherfucker. All those times I confronted him about cheating on me, paying more attention to her, ignoring me, sleeping in the fucking living room, getting mad because I wanted to end our relationship, getting LIVID because he saw me talking to another guy, threatening to beat my ass if I left him. What the fuck was the point?!?!?
I laugh because she is the biggest fucking pussy of them all. She acts so barney bad ass... but she is the most scared of them all.
And him. What a sorry excuse for a MAN. Didnt even have the fucking balls to tell me what was going on. He really is a man, isnt he?
And what goes around will come around. Tenfold. I hope they realize that. They will get theirs, one day. One day."
4-29-2005
Quote from my journal: "I think Im going to be okay and that shocks the shit out of me. This proves to me how truly distant him and i have become. Im already used to sleeping alone and not being intimate with him, hell that started months ago. Im used to being lonely. Im used to doing my own thing. So this isnt near as hard. Sometimes.
I miss him though. Not as much as I thought I would, but I do. When we had our good moments... they were few and far inbetween, but when they were good, they were good.
I miss her... though Im still really hurt. I cant believe she did this to me. After all we have been through together. My baby fucking sister."
4-30-2005
I go to Enriques work and confront him. This is the first time him and I have spoken since everything happened that day. To make a long story short, we talked a little, but not really. First thing he said was "Dont do anything, Im at work." (He was afraid I was going to go psycho again like I did that morning and whoop his ass again. *evil laugh*)
I simply asked him "why?". I couldnt even look him in the eye, and of course I was crying.
He tells me that he doesnt know, it just happened. And that they had been together only 2 or 3 times. That theyre NOT together. That she took my ring to a pawn shop - he didnt know anything about her wearing it. That they dont sleep together, that they are only living together because they have no where else to go. Tells me that he is sorry. He asks me to come pick him up the next morning at 6am when he gets off so we can talk. I agree.
The next morning I go out to his work at 6am and we talk for about an hour. Im mostly crying the whole time and he is holding me close and apologizing the whole while. Quote from my journal: "I told him that I feel like everything we had was a lie. And that I cant believe in him anymore, or believe anything he says. I do not know him."
He gives me his cell phone number, and tells me to call him. We part ways, and Im more confused then ever.
5-3-2005
A ray of sunlight in my dark days. Daysha Simone Cochran is born. Mandy gives birth to the most beautiful little girl in the world, and I am there to witness this miracle. I am her godmother, and instantly in love with this little girl I saw enter the world. This gives me hope, that life can get better.
5-4-2005
Enrique calls me. We talk for a little while, and he tells me he wants to see me. That we need to talk. That he wants to get back together. We start arguing about everything, and he claims that he knows he made a mistake and he wants me back. I tell him I dont want to see him.
5-5-2005
He calls me again and asks again to see me. That he needs to talk to me in person. Quote from my journal: "He kept telling me all the things he had been saying all along, that they arent together, that he doesnt love her or want to be with her, he wants to get away from her, that he loves me and never wanted to hurt me. HA! He said that he really knows now what he has done and that he has hurt me beyond belief. Said that he understands now how I wanted to be with him, marry him, love him, have a family with him, make him a father, that he is a piece of shit and he was so shitty to me, etc etc. That he knows I am the best thing that will EVER happen to him.
I asked him why he stopped having sex with me so long ago if they have only had sex a couple times... he said that the first time was a long time ago, and that every time he looked at me and I would be so good to him, he just felt like shit. He said it bothered him, he said he didnt want to make love to me because he felt guilty. Whatever."
5-7-2005
He comes over and we talk. He looks like shit, like hes been hit by a diesel truck and dragged clear across Missouri. Im glad. He looks as bad as I feel.
At one point in our convo, I reach over and pick up his cell phone. I flip it open and there as his wallpaper is a picture of Nikki, with the heading "KIKI AND NIKKI". I get pissed. PISSED. We get into a huge argument and he swears up and down that she did that and he doesnt know how to get it off there. Im not believing it and I start bawling. Ive reached the breaking point.
To my amazement, he starts bawling his eyes out, sobbing, begging, pleading to come back home. That he made a mistake. On and on and on. I tell him he needs to leave and I go into my bedroom and crawl into bed. He doesnt leave, but comes in and gets into bed with me. We lay like that for 2 hours, crying and talking about our relationship. Talking and arguing about everything.
Next thing I know, we are having sex. I dont know how it started, why I let it happen, how I could have ever let it happen... but it did. Thats what happens when emotions get in the way, when the person you love hasnt touched you in 6 months.
We decide that he will come back home. I agree to give it another try. I tell him that I cant trust him, I cant believe in him, how would I know if he would cheat on me again? He kept on giving me all the answers he knew I wanted to hear. We decide to get married later that summer. I forgive him. (Yes, I know I am completely and utterly stupid. I know.) He leaves and I call my mom to tell her what I have decided. She tells me to do whatever is in my heart.
Later that night... I was cleaning my room and a song came on the radio - a song that just cut me straight to the heart and it reminds me of my sister. I couldnt take it anymore. I wanted to talk to her and hear her side of the story. I felt like I could give her that much. (I still hadnt spoken to her at that point.) I decide to confront her. I call her up, and tell her I will pick her up from work. She hesitantly agrees. (Again, she is afraid I will go psycho on her like I did that day. *evil grin*)
I pick her up and we come back to my house. We drove down here and she was acting like nothing in the world was wrong. Talk, talk, talking my leg off like life was just great and grand.
We came inside and sat down and everything, and she just kept talking, about this and that, avoiding talking about what she knew I wanted to talk to her about.
At some point in the convo, I picked up her cell phone to look at it and flipped it open. My heart dropped. There it was, a picture of Enrique and the heading "KIKI AND NIKKI", just like on his phone. At that point, I knew in an instant, that he was lying to me about everything and that he had just played me again. That something wasnt right.
Finally, I just decided to get it over with. I asked her "Are you two together?" and she said, "Yeah, we are." I said, "How long has it been going on?" and she told me it was since she moved in with us. Back in May 2004. Almost a fucking year. A FUCKING YEAR.
I just sat there, like... oh God. No. This cant be true. Please. I started crying, I was quickly becoming hysterical... I asked her why she didnt just tell me. Why??? She just ignored me and sat there, wouldnt say anything. Finally I was like, "Nikki, we need to talk about this." and she said, "No, we dont. If Id known thats what we were coming here for I wouldnt have come. Im not playing 20 questions, just take me home." I asked her why she was so mad, told her that she owes me a few answers at least... and probably owes me a lot more than that, to be honest.
She gets furious and gets up and heads to the front door. She just kept saying "Take me home. Take me home. Now." I asked her again, "Are you two really together?" And she just hatefully said "Yes, Melissa, we are. Now take me home." She was so hateful and mean when she said that. I was so pissed off... you fucking bitch, you want to hurt someone? Id had enough. You want to see how it feels to really fucking hurt????
I told her that if they were really together, then we needed to talk. Because he was screwing us both over. She just stood there and told me again to take her home. I ignored her. I took a deep breath and told her that him and I had just seen each other that morning. And that he was coming home. And that we had had sex together that morning.
She turned beat red in the face, tears instantly welled up in her eyes, and she just stood there. I told her to come back into the living room so we could talk. She came in and sat down and started bawling.
I told her everything that had happened. She was shocked. And then she told me everything that had happened on her side. It was my turn to be shocked.
To make a long story short - this is what I found out that night.
1. They had been sleeping with each other behind my back since she moved in with us, in May 2004.
2. They were having sex 2-3 times a day. In my house. In my living room. In my car. In my BED.
3. Said that she thinks the only reason he had come over that day and had sex with me was because she was on her period and had turned him down that morning.
4. Told me she "like the thrill" of sneaking around with him and that she like dit because she "could do whatever she wanted".
5. Told me that she loves him and he loves her - they are together and going to stay together.
6. That he bought her an engagement ring when he was in Mexico and gave it to her the night he came back home.
7. I asked her why she didnt just tell me, she got all teary eyed and said that she doesnt know. She said she just draws a "blank" when she tries to figure out why she did what she did.
8. That he has beat her many times, that hes very violent towards her and that the first time they had sex, he had raped her. That she was forced to have sex with him and he would threaten to kill her if she told me, left him or was with anyone else.
9. Thats what had happened the day that Enrique came home early from work and found her at the apartment with that Jose guy she had been seeing. (Enrique beat the shit out of that guy, told me it was because he thought that guy was trying to steal stuff from our apartment.)
And a bunch more shit, but even as Im typing this now... months and months after all this bullshit happened, Im getting pissed all over again and I just really dont want to think about it anymore.
So anyways. I told her everything that had happened, and that he had claimed they werent together and that he wanted to come home, etc etc. She was bawling, I was bawling, she said that she wanted to leave him because he had been lying to her. (What did she fucking expect? Seriously.)
She was really stressing that it wasnt her fault and that hes raped her and hes violent and posessive, threatening and has held knives to her throat, on and on and on.
Of course when I hear this, I am just utterly and compltely FLOORED. I cant believe it. Who the fuck is this guy??? My Enrique did THAT? He is like THAT? I was mortified.
Now Ill be real honest, and this is all Im going to say about it because its in the past and it just doesnt do any good to talk about it because nothing will change it... yeah, Enrique was sometimes abusive to me, and he and I have gotten in our share of physical arguments. But I was never "scared" of him, nor did I ever feel threatened, and he sure as hell never raped me. Hes not like that. I thought.
But I believed my baby sister, I trusted her and I felt like utter complete shit. I told her that I want her to leave him and come back home. That we can make it through all this bullshit and that he is just a piece of shit. That neither of us deserve that.
So she makes up this plan... that we would play it up for a few days, until he got paid. And when he got paid ($700) and he had the money that his friend owed him ($500) she would deposit the $$$ in their checking account and then remove his name from it. And that she was going to take their cell phones (that are in her name), the car (that he paid for), their TV and DVD player they just bought, everything.
She said she wanted to fuck him over totally... that he deserved it. I told her to do whatever the fuck she wanted... I just really and truly, honestly, didnt care anymore. I was just done.
We sat there that night and took turns calling him. I called him first, told him that Nikki and I got in a fight, I took her home, and that was that. He just laughed and talked all kinds of shit about her -- and she was sitting right there listening on the other line to every bit of it!
I asked him when I could see him again, he said soon. He said it all -- that he loved me, wanted to come home, was so happy we worked it all out, that he was sorry, that he didnt care about her, on and on... I played him so hard, and she just sat there, listening, crying.
But that whole time, it was breaking my heart. Knowing that every. single. word. he said to me was a lie. An utter complete fucking lie.
We got off the phone, Nikki waited about 20 minutes and then she called him. She told him the same story I had, and then he talked shit about me!!!! He was saying the same things to her that he had JUST said to me -- that he loves her, hes going to marry her, that he will always be with her, on and on. It was horrible. She played him hard too.
I took her home around 4am and she said she would call me the next day. Around 7am that morning Enrique called me and asked me what day I wanted him to move back home. I told him he could come home whenever he wanted. It was SO hard talking to him... knowing what I knew. I got off the phone with him and just cried and cried...
5-8-2005
Mothers Day. I showed up at my moms house that day with my sister. My mom said it was the best Mothers Day present she had ever gotten... getting to see her two daughters made-up and back together again as sisters.
Enrique called me that morning as well, he told me that he was at the apartment and Nikki was asleep. Later, I found out that they were actually at Perkins, eating breakfast, and that he called me from the bathroom. The lies just kept going and going!!!
That night, Enrique was supposed to come over at 8:30pm so I could give him his house key back. This was also part of Nikki's "plan". While he was at my house she was going to pack some of her stuff up and hide it in the closet. She had told me this morning to try and keep him at my house for as long as I could.
Well, 8:30pm came and went. 9pm came and went. So on and so forth. He never showed. I finally called him and asked him what was going on... he was acting all wierd and stuff. He said he didnt want to come over. I immediately knew that something was very wrong...
Then next thing I knew, he was telling me that he had been lying to me. That Nikki and him ARE together. And that he has been messing around with her behind my back for over a year. He told me everything -- all of it. He confessed it all. ALL.
I was amazed though, because I didnt even cry. Not at all. I just mostly kept asking him why??? WHY? Why didnt he tell me? Why all the times that I wanted to break up did he freak out on me? Why did he come back to me? Why hurt me so damn much? Why her????
He couldnt really explain. He told me that he does love me. And that he didnt want to hurt me. HA! This and that, all kinds of bullshit. Told me that he wants me to be happy, and that he loves me and always will. That he thinks of me all the time, always will. That he will never forget the things I did for him or the way we were when we were happy.
He told me he wants to be friends. I told him he is crazy... how can I be your friend??? I love him. I told him I didnt think it would work. And that if I could ever be his friend... that I dont ever want to see them together. Ever.
(At this point, I dont know whats really going on... especially with Nikki's "plan". I decide Ill still go along with it, acting like Nikki and I havent talked.)
He then told me that he wants me to repair my friendship with Nikki as well, and again I told him he is crazy. She fucking betrayed me. Did the one thing to me that would hurt me more than anything in this world. Took away the one thing that made me happy. The person I loved. He said he understood, but I honestly dont think he has any idea. He never will.
We finally got off the phone, more or less deciding that this was the last time we would talk. I told him not to play with my heart anymore and just leave me alone. And that if he cared about me AT ALL he would respect me and just leave me be. He said ok.
After I got off the phone with him, I called up Nikki, who was at work. I told her what had just happened and asked her what she thought was going on. She just said, "I dont know, Melissa." all hateful...
I knew then that something HAD happened. And something was WAY wrong. She said her cell phone was ringing and that she had to go - that she wasnt discussing this at work. She said she would come over when she got off.
I was kinda hysterical by then, bawling my eyes out, confused and angry. I was so so so fucking angry. Betrayed. It was just the last damn straw. I know I had been wanting him to tell me the truth all that time, to tell me what the real deal was, but damn. I didnt know it would really fucking hurt that much. It hurt so much to hear him say the fears that Id had in my heart for so long. To hear him say he loves her. It was like a knife right to the heart. And yeah, that sounds clique, but its true.
I still just dont understand. Why didnt they just TELL ME? Did they honestly think they could keep this up forever? I guess so. I guess a year was a pretty long time, huh. God, Im a fucking dumbass. I just cant believe it. A year. A whole year of my life was an complete fucking lie. A whole year.
Finally Nikki came over and again, just made all kinds of casual talk. Talking about anything and everything except what was going on. I finally had to ask her, what the fuck is going on?
She said that she didnt know, everything had been fine... and she asked me what happened? I told her, basically word for word what he had said and what I had said in return. When I finished, she just sat there. She wouldnt even look at me.
Finally I asked again what was going on, that she needed to tell me. She suddenly turned all bitchy and was like "I dont know." I asked her if she wanted to stay with him and she said "Yes and no." I was just like, whatever dude... just what the fuck ever.
She was fucking doing it again -- betraying me. Backing out on me. After all this. I put myself out on the line for her and look what she did to me again. Fucked me over. What the fuck ever.
So I just told her that was fine. Go. Be happy with him. And that if he really is violent with her and all that shit she told me, that she doesnt deserve it. But I told her right then that I dont believe a fucking word she told me - about him abusing her and raping her, all that I believe is fucking lies. Lies.
I told her that I love her and Ill always be her sister, but I cant be her friend. And I told her that I would never forgive her. Told her that what he did to me he will do to her, in due time. Hell, he already did it. The first chance he had to be with me again, he took! He already fucking cheated on her... I think that goes to show you, once a cheater, always a fucking cheater. He will never ever fucking change. What makes her think he will change for HER?????
She didnt really have much to say. She ended up getting a few things out of her bedroom that I hadnt put in storage yet and left. I didnt even say goodbye, I just shut the door and turned off the porch light. Fuck you, bitch.
I knew when she walked out that door that things would never EVER be the same between us. That we will never have what we had back. Not even a little bit.
I was so confused when she left. Becaue I hurt more in that moment than I had the whole fucking time. I thought Enrique had hurt me the most. But I finally found out what hurt the most. It was losing her. My baby sister. My baby. fucking. sister. My life.
Knowing she was walking away from me because she wanted to. Knowing she was throwing away a 18 year friendship for some lying, cheating, fucking asshole.
Its a hurt like no other. It still hasnt gone away to this day.
5-9-2005
Quote from my journal: "What do you do when you find out that your life is a lie? That the person you loved the most is someone you dont even know. That the person you thought you knew is the furthest from the person they really are. And all this time youve been hanging on to that person. To what you thought was real, true, right. And once you find out that it was a lie, youre still hoping to find a shred of that person you thought they were... hidden within them somewhere. Because you were so sure... all that time, of who they were. Youre having a hard time believing they are anyone else.
I feel like this is not my life.
Like I am watching a movie unfold before my eyes, that this is not me, this is not happening to me, I am not that girl and I am not that hurt. I cant explain really.
I know how I want to say it in my heart and my head, but when I say the words they feel awkward and stupid and foolish, and trying to explain how I feel explains nothing. Only I understand what I mean, and its hard because I want so badly for someone to truly understand what Im feeling now.
But its honestly like Im detached. Like Im standing outside a glass window looking in at my life, watching the events unfold and the consequences happen. Just watching, not feeling, or hurting. Just looking at this life crumble. And when I feel like that, it almost helps. Because it doesnt hurt as much if I feel like this life isnt mine.
That kinda explained it, but that still doesnt do this feeling justice. I feel like nothing will.
It hurts to know that everything I have shared with him she has shared as well. I feel like nothing was ever really mine. He was never really mine. I remember in the beginning wondering what was so great about me. Wondering why it was me that he picked to love. Wondering why it was me that he wanted, feeling so proud of myself for making him fall in love with me. Someone I didnt really even care about that much in the beginning.
I wish my feelings would have remained gray and not turned red with desire and yellow with hope, nor green with envy and black with jealousy. I wish I could have stayed away and not cared about him or cared that he wanted me and to be with me. That he was the true first person since Bobby that made me feel loved beyond compare.
I wish I wouldnt have believed in him. I wish I wouldnt have trusted him. I just honestly wish I would have never met him at all.
Because even the best best best moments with him were not worth this. In fact, all those moments seem like a slap in the fucking face, because he was sitting there lying to me that whole time, and nothing that he and I had was truly ours. We were not truly each others.
The other day when he and I had sex... I didnt want to at first. I felt awkward, gross, disgusting, wrong. I told him no, several times... but he just kept going. I guess thats what happens when your fiancee doesnt touch you for months on end. I wanted him to just touch me.
I felt closer to him during that time than I had ever felt before. I really honestly and truly looked at him, looked him straight in the eye the whole time. When I would go to close my eyes, he would tell me to open them and look at him, dont stop looking at him. It was one of the most intense moments of my life. And I thought it meant something. I fucking thought it meant something. To both of us. How wrong was I?
I thought I was making love with him. All those times before, sure, we had great sex, we were good in bed together. But that day, I felt like I made love to him in a way I had never made love to anyone in my life.
It breaks my heart that I was so wrong, wrong because it was just sex because 'she' wasnt available, sex because it was there, sex that he has shared with her a hundred times over.
How many times has he made love to her? How many times has he told her not to stop looking at her? These questions kill me.
It hurts so fucking much. To know that my body responded to him so easily that day. That my heart will open without resistance. That my soul still hopes that he loves me. God, Im so fucking stupid. My mind... wants him, to see him, hear his voice, feel his touch.
I hate how I still love him and dont know why, that I will never ever be the same after this... That my life is forever changed by something like this. Changed by pain, hurt, betrayl and anger. I will never look at love the same.
When we were having sex, I took myself away, like I always do. I floated above us. I have too many issues with sex and thats what I always do. But this time... I brought myself back into the moment and really concentrated on what I was feeling. How I felt. How I loved that he was making love to me. That maybe he really did love me. I should have stayed away.
I feel so fucking stupid, foolish, embarassed. Disgusted, ashamed. Im fucking stupid stupid stupid stupid. Damn.
These are the facts. He lied to me. Over and over again. He slept with my sister. For a fucking YEAR. He was so fucking shitty to me. HE HURT ME. Everything we had was a LIE. He ignored me and neglected me. I lost all my friends for him. I lost who I was FOR HIM. He broke my family up. He used me. He doesnt love me.
If he loved me... he would have never done this to me. Hit me this low.
Is that not enough????
I am so confused."
5-13-2005
My whore sisters birthday comes and goes. She is now 19. We dont speak.
Enrique calls me at work. I talk to him, barely though. I tell him not to call me anymore. He spends almost an hour apologizing to me repeatedly. I end up hanging up on him.
5-16-2005
My moms birthday. I go to her house for dinner, Cheesecake, give her the presents I got her, and hang out. Nikki comes over after I leave.
5-17-2005
Out of the blue, Bobby (my ex/first true love) calls me. We talk for over 3 hours on the phone... I tell him what happened and he is speechless.
I find out he got married. I had no idea. Her name is Tonya, his little girls mother. (Yes, he is a daddy now to an adorable little girl. I think her name is Ryley.) Its my turn to be speechless.
Its good to talk to him again, but emotional as well.
5-18-2005
My 24th birthday. Wooo.
Enrique shows up at my house. We spend the afternoon arguing and crying. He wants me to forgive him. I refuse. We talk, talk, talk, talk.
He wants to leave Nikki and come back home. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life when he did this to me. A basic repeat of the first time he came over.
Yes, we ended up having sex again. Yes, I know I am stupid and a huge moron. But it happened and its in the past.
Right before he left, he asked me if I really was going to take all his money out of the checking account and hide his car from him. Im like "Huh????"
He explains to me "the plan" Nikki told him about. Remember Nikkis "plan" to take his $$$, car, cell, TV/DVD, etc??? Well, she told him that was all MY idea. That I wanted to fuck him over.
I asked him to tell me everything that she told him. Basically, she blamed everything on me -- that I made up the "plan" to screw him over, that I called him and got him to talk shit about her to hurt her, etc etc. That bitch just lied lied lied about everything.
I told him he was in for a very rude awakening... and I tell him the REAL truth, what REALLY happened. Including the whole story she gave me about the abuse and the rape. He got VERY angry VERY quickly... and denied that he has ever even hit her, and he sure as hell didnt ever rape her.
Tells me that several times he told her that he was going to tell me the truth, that he didnt want to mess around anymore, that he felt guilty, that he was done. And she would threaten HIM, tell him that if he stopped, she would tell me and blame it all on him.
I learned a new side to my baby sister that day. She was quickly becoming a stranger to me as well.
He ended up leaving and him and I being on decent terms. By no means were we 'friends', nor were we 'okay'. I just really didnt fucking care at that point.
5-20-2005
This would have been Amanda's 24th birthday. A very hard day for me, because our birthdays are only 2 days apart and we have always shared them together. I still miss her so much.
5-25-2005
Quote from my journal: "One month ago today was when all this bullshit started. One month. My life took a complete change. Those first few weeks were the hardest. I honestly didnt think I would make it. I really didnt.
But now.... Im just numb. I just feel like whatever happens, happens. Whatever life throws at me, Im still me. I just wish life would give me a break sometimes. I really feel like it owes me that much. Ive taken some real hard hits over the past few years, and a lot of low blows.
I just wish I was happy. Really and truly happy. Bad thing is, I dont think Ill ever be honestly happy. Because now I have fear. I am forever and always going to be scared that whatever happiness I find is going to be taken from me as soon as I start to relax. Im almost sure of it.
And the pain of being happy for a short time and then having it adruptly ripped away isnt worth the trouble.
Im tired of getting hurt all the time. Im tired of lies and broken promises. Im tired of feeling alone -- all the time -- even when Im IN a relationship. Im tired of being neglected and ignored. Im tired of giving someone my all, to never recieve their all.
Im just tired.
All my life... I said if a man ever hit me, or cheated on me, that would be the end of it. Look at me. Hes done both. And yet I still love him.
Is this really what I want? That he gets to walk around every day, thinking he is special, because I still love him this much. It isnt fair."
5-27-2005
Quote from my journal: "I held Daysha Simone today almost the whole time I was over at Mandys. She is so precious. I love her so much already. She is so perfect and tiny. I hold her and I just want to cry.
I want to be a mom so fucking bad. I want to have the chance to create a life. To watch my child grow, to teach them, to learn from them, to help them -- love them -- unconditionally. I just want children so badly.
But now who knows when Ill have my own. Maybe never? And that really, really, really hurts. I am so scared Ill never know this feeling. Holding my child in my arms. Marvel at the life that I am responsible for.
I dont know. I really think that my dreams are so simplistic, why cant they just come true??? I dont want much.
I want a man who loves me, a roof over our head, a child in my stomach. I want to raise a family and just live life. I just want to be all those things my parents werent. I want my children to have more than I had. I want to love them, protect them, help them through his crazy world.
I want a husband who will walk around in a tshirt and pajama pants, who will write me notes and tape them to the bathroom mirror in the morning. I want someone to know me better than they know themselves.
I want to cook Thanksgiving dinner and have my home be full of family, friends and life. I want to do the dishes alongside my mother afterwards and know that she is proud of me for what Ive become.
I want to put my little girl to sleep at night in a princess bedroom. Kiss her soft little face and smell baby shampoo and gummy worms.
I want to tuck my son into a racecar bed and turn on his Buzz Lightyear lamp, stumbling and cussing over stepping on legos and Micro Machines.
I want to fall asleep at night with my husbands arms around me and with a full heart.
I dont want to be alone anymore, or cry every single night. I dont want to have to worry that I am not enough. I dont want to have to beg for attention. I dont want to have to ask if he loves me -- because Ill just know.
I want to be happy.
Its a bitter bitter feeling, not knowing if I will ever have any of my dream. Knowing that each time I gain a inch in the right direction, something comes along and knocks me back a foot.
I was thinking the other night, trying to recall a moment in my life that I was truly 100% happy. The happiest moment of my life.
And I thought a damn long time.
The happiest moment of my life was when Enrique asked me to marry him. That day he came into the bedroom, and with tears in his eyes and the biggest grin on his face, he got down on one knee and put that ring on my finger. He whispered in my ear that he wanted me to be his wife.
He made me so happy that day, God, he made me so happy. I felt like I finally did something right. I made him fall in love with me. I made him want me as his wife.
I was going to reach all those goals i had set for myself. I was finally going to be happy. Happy.
I was so wrong. So wrong. But Ill never forget that feeling I had in that moent. It was amazing. And I wonder if itll ever be beat."
6-6-2005
Nikki finds out that Enrique and I have been talking. So she shuts my phone off (it was in her name) and calls and has the gas cut off too. I find this hysterically funny.
I talk to her, and she makes a smart ass comment about "Gee, guess you cant call him anymore, huh?"
I reply, "Thats cool, when I want to talk to him Ill just save it for when he comes over."
(*evil laugh*)
6-17-2005
My cousin Bobby is killed in a 4-wheeler accident. He ran head-on into a tree and was killed instantly. We had just talked to him that day, because he was going to come over the next day and help with the auction at my Grandparents house. This shook the whole family up.
6-18-2005
Auction at my Grandparents house of the remaining items of their estate. Very rough day. Still doesnt seem like they should be gone. The house is sold.
6-20-2005
Cousin Bobby's funeral in Gilliam, Mo. Closed casket. Very hard day.
6-25-2005
My best friend Kim and Andy's wedding, which I unfortunately didnt get to go to. I wish you two the best!!!!
7-6-2005
Enrique and I have sex again.
7-8-2005
And again.
8-2-2005
Again. This is becoming a normal thing.
I feel almost shitty, but at the same time, I really dont care. I have changed into this bitter, horrible, ugly person -- I enjoy it, this sneaking around, fucking someone I shouldnt -- just hoping my sister finds out.
8-25-2005
Shit hits the fan.
Find out Enrique is married. Yes, married. He has been married for 4 years, his wifes name is Azucena and she lives in Mexico.
He also has 2 daughters. One with Azucena and the other with another woman. His oldest daughter is named Charlynne and she is 5. The youngest one is name Annick, and she is almost 4.
I find out that Jesus, Enriques uncle, who lived with us for a while, is actually Enriques father -- not his uncle as I was told before.
I find out that his mother did not have cancer, as told before. She was the reason he told me he was going back to Mexico back in December 2004. He actually went back to see his wife and daughters.
His moms name is Petra -- not Marcelina as I was told before. All the money we were sending to "his mom" was actually going to his wife and his daughters mother.
Found out that Little Jose is actually Enrique's brother, not his cousin as I was told before.
I found all this out because he brought over some letters for me to take to the post office for him... Well, I got nosy and decided fuck it -- and opened them.
They were all in spanish, of course, but 2 years with a Mexican fiancee, lots of Mexican friends and 4 years of Spanish classes in high schoool taught me alot. I read them and found out that he has been leading a double life. I thought he was a stranger before... now I honestly dont know him at all.
I confronted him and at first he denied it all. Treated me like I was stupid, and said I dont know how to read spanish, that I had it all wrong. But he knew he was caught and didnt come around for a while.
9-20-2005
My friend Jeff was killed in a motorcycle accident. He'd only had the motorcycle 3 days.
9-24-2005
I go to my first seminar to discuss Weight Loss Surgery. I meet my doctor and talk to him about it. I had been seriously researching it for about 6 months at this point.
10-26-2005
My first doctor appointment for Weight Loss Surgery. I am approved for the surgery and we submit everything to my insurance company.
11-6-2005
My sister announces she is pregnant.
11-7-2005
Enrique finally admits to me that he is married, and confesses the truth about everything I had found out from his letters. He also tells Nikki about his wife and the truth about everything. She tells him she still wants to stay with him.
11-9-2005
Nikki's first doctor appointment. They arent sure how far along she is, but maybe as much as 4 months along.
11-17-2005
I recieve my approval for Weight Loss Surgery. My surgery is scheduled for December 8th, 2005. I am nervous, yet happy.
11-18-2005
Went to Medical Plaza and did blood testing for surgery. Everything looks to be good. Doctor tells me Im the healthiest overweight person he has ever seen. :)
12-8-2005
Surgery Day!!! (I will write an entry about this at a later date.)
12-12-2005
My ex-step-Grandfather passes away at the age of 76. This is my ex-step-mothers father... still, he was a Grandfather to me and it was upsetting to find out that he passed. I opened up the news paper and his obituary was there. No one even called to tell me.
12-14-2005
My friend Chris (my friend Amanda's ex-boyfriend) is charged with murder for striking his girlfriends 17 month old son to death. Chris told police that he put Caden down for a nap and then couldnt wake him up later. Caden was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and he was pronounced dead. Hospital staff alerted police and said that Caden had muliple internal injuries.
I have no idea what the hell happened... this doesnt seem like the Chris I know. The Chris that I spent hours and days and days with. The friend that I remember as a quiet, funny, sweet guy. But I dont really know what to believe anymore. Its hard to believe in people.
12-16-2005
Follow up doctor appointment after Weight Loss Surgery. I had lost 18 lbs. before surgery, and lost another 5 lbs. since surgery. (As of the date of this post, I have lost almost 32 lbs. total and I feel amazing. Like I said, I will write an entry about my surgery and everything that goes along with that.)
12-29-2005
Nikki has another doctor appointment and they listen to the babys heartbeat. They schedule her sonogram for 1-26-2006.
12-31-2005
I ring in the New Year 2006 by hanging out at my moms, watching movies and feeling lame. Once again, I am alone, and wondering if this year will be different.
1-12-2006
I make my triumphant return to Diaryland. :)
And that, folks, brings us up to now. Ive been quite busy, dont you see?
Ahhhh. *sigh* Life is grand. :)
