12:44 pm - 01-21-06
Chuck Fucking Norris, baby.
Found this on MySpace and thought it was hilarious.
- There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
- MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris will kill him and take it.
- There are no disabled people in the world, only those who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has legally changed his middle name to "Fucking."
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
- In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' DeLorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later, was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
- Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The one time he didn't was in 1941, which otherwise has become known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
- Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a block wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glassat night.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant; he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
- Chuck Norris is known for his modesty, but will readily admit that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
- Chuck Norris defecates once a month, whether he needs to or not.
- Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
- There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet, however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
- Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. If it gets late and you ask to leave, he stares at you until you sit the hell down.
- Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.
- In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
- Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
- Chuck Norris does not need to swallow when he eats.
- Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.
- In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
- Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Paralympics.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
- Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Norris erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.
- A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and you will become handicapped if you park there.
- Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; he once ate an Indian.
- Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Sagget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.
- When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.
- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
- A Chevy truck was totaled in a car accident. It hit black ice and then hit Chuck Norris.
- Every time Chuck Norris hears the term 'Virgin Mary he laughs out loud.
- It used to be only the Tower of Pisa until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it.
- Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn't racist.
